Fictional Character Interview – Tank Lazier

Elements LJ sizeBelow, dear reader, please find bonus content for Suzanne’s book: ELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction.

This series of posts interviews characters from stories in ELEMENTS.

Today I interview Tank Lazier from Everyone Needs a Couch


Tank Lazier is the author of many short stories including “Drip Oozed in the Face” and “Cravdop or Bust.” Originally from the USA on Earth, he’s lived on Forbi for eight years, loves the bar scene and hates the rain.

Tank LazierSuzanne Church: Hell and welcome, Mr. Lazier.

Tank Lazier: Call me Tanker.

SC: Right, okay. Tanker, what brought you to Forbi?

TL: I’d heard that Drips are pushovers and Forbi was infested with them. I figured it’d be nice to live on a planet where I didn’t live at the absolute bottom of the food chain.

SC: How long have you been writing?

TL: Since I was a kid. My parents used to travel off-planet a lot for work, so I’d make up stories about what they did without me. Most were murdered-babysitter mysteries. Used to scare the crap out of my nanny.

SC: What did your parents do for a living?

TL: Mom played right wing for various teams in the SHL. She’d live with me and Dad on Earth in the off-season. Always promised she’d bring us along for the playoffs, but her team never made the playoffs.

Dad was a design engineer for portable habitat HVACs. For the bigger jobs he’d supervise the installations.

SC: What’s the hardest aspect of being an Earthling writer on Forbi?

TL: The poverty. I mean, a guy can only eat so many cans of orthan flippers before he’s ready to sell a kidney for a steak dinner. Then again, in the restaurants on Forbi they don’t always list which animal the steak comes from. Have you ever eaten a Sheepic T-bone?

SC: Can’t say that I have.

TL: Don’t.

SC: Name a few writers who’ve influenced your work.

TL: Dante, for one. I think he nailed hell better than anyone.

J.D. Robb writes some great mysteries. I can sit in any bar with my nose pressed into one of her beat-up paperbacks and the chicks will come at me like moths to a flame. Probably all those romance novels she wrote, but you won’t catch me reading them.

Kelson Matlind’s work’s pretty underrated. He writes crime thrillers set on Deslot. The drug trade there gives him plenty of material to work with. Plus the Strunjox are nasty creatures with claws like a grizzly and breath that’ll stink you into next week. They run the crime syndicate on Deslot tighter than the Russian Mafia.

For the following flash questions, try to answer with the first idea that pops into your head.

SC: Imagine a prison of eternal misery. Is it hot or cold?

TL: Cold! You ever been stuck out in a Forbi winter downpour? Colder than a blind date with a chick who keeps jars of Drip ooze in her purse.

SC: If you were only allowed to read ONE book more than once in your lifetime, what book would you choose?

TL: Dante’s Inferno. Gives a guy perspective on his own miserable existence.

SC: Forbi or Earth?

TL: Earth. As Dorothy says, “There’s no place like home.”

SC: Stickers on your scribbler or pure out-of-the-box plain?

TL: Stickers. Preferably of bacon or buxom women. Or buxom women eating bacon.

SC: Music while writing, or total silence? And if you chose music, name three inspirations.

TL: Music. As long as it’s fast, loud, and includes at least one Earth-style guitar I’m down with it.

SC: Thanks for taking the time to answer questions for my blog.

TL: No problem. Hey, want to hang out and have a drink with me later?


Elements LJ sizeELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction  is available in Canada and the USA from EDGE Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing.

It’s Not Easy to be Fuzzy or Green

Elements LJ sizeBelow, dear reader, please find bonus content for Suzanne’s book: ELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction.

This series of posts provides stories-behind-the-stories for each tale in ELEMENTS.

Sitting in the 10th slot in the Table of Contents is the last of the Couch Teleportation Universe stories: “Fuzzy Green Monster Number Two”


My third story in the Couch Teleportation Universe examines the definition of a monster. Fuzzy  was originally published in Neo-Opsis Magazine, Issue #12.

neoopsis 12 miniGreenie is a teenaged Strunjox–a towering green beast with a long snout and sharp claws. His species are native to the desert planet Deslot, a world where drug trafficking is the source of employment for more than half the population.

Before the story begins, Greenie has scrounged enough money for a one-way couch-teleporter ticket to Earth, where he hoped to find a better life away from the desperation of drug addiction that permeated his home culture.

Instead of prosperity, he finds discrimination and a lack of employment for sentients without opposable digits.

With Fuzzy Green Monster Number Two I wanted to tell a story from the monster’s point of view. Greenie doesn’t consider himself a monster at all. He’s simply a Strunjox  trying to blend in among the humans.

As Greenie’s circumstances evolve, I wanted the reader to re-examine the definition of a monster. Like many fables, I wanted to ensure that the reader’s initial interpretation of a beast’s outward appearance didn’t coincide with what they learn as they peel away at the layers beneath the surface.

Science Fiction is a genre designed to nudge the reader to interpret the social hierarchies of our own lives through an approachable and entertaining lens.

Fun Fact

In 1992 I visited Los Angeles almost exactly one month after the riots.

And while the timing wasn’t ideal for a visit, I was continuously amazed by the dichotomies of the city: incomparable wealth on one side of the razor-wire fence and abject poverty on the other.

That’s why I set Fuzzy in LA; to examine the contrast between haves and have-nots. But also because the legends and social references to the city are so ingrained in North American culture.

tv headOn the day I visited the Sunset Strip, I spotted a man wearing a cardboard box covered in aluminum foil on his head. The front of the box had been cut open, and knobs had been drawn on with marker, making the end-product look like an old-fashioned CRT television. He’d also attached an ancient broken antenna to the back.

That dude (whatever his name) makes an appearance in Fuzzy:

. The sidewalks in this part of the city were crowded with eccentric humans and a variety of aliens. One man wore a cardboard box over his head that looked like a vid.

I hope that dude is still alive today, wandering around LA with a cardboard flatscreen on his head. 🙂


Elements LJ sizeELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction  is available in Canada and the USA from EDGE Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing.

Toilets in the Couch Teleportation Universe

Elements LJ sizeBelow, dear reader, please find bonus content for Suzanne’s book: ELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction.

This series of posts provides stories-behind-the-stories for each tale in ELEMENTS.

Sitting in the 9th slot in the Table of Contents is the second of the Couch Teleportation Universe  stories: “Waste Management”


I mentioned in my last post on the story behind Everyone Needs a Couch  that many people wanted to hear the other side of Tanker’s sad story. So the couch makes a second appearance with Lorna Watkowski, Tanker’s ex-girlfriend, in Waste Management.

challenging destiny coverSince I’d had such a quick and amazing success with Couch, I wrote the follow-up story with Oceans of the Mind as the ideal magazine to buy the story.

Oceans  didn’t work out, but that’s okay.

I had another funny story written, and I wasn’t going to allow a rejection to slow me down!

Many writers return to the universes they’ve created. I loved the planet Forbi, especially the scum-lords who own all the real estate–carnivores native to Forbi known as the Braklez. They’re a hoot to write, and I had the chance to introduce several more Braklez characters in Waste Management, including the first female, Alawas.

My second favourite species, the Drips return in Waste Management. They’re squishy, multi-tentacled creatures whose skin turns various shades depending on their mood. They secrete ooze from their “many orifices” allowing me the opportunity to insert “Drip ooze” jokes. Who doesn’t love to chuckle over Drip ooze? 🙂

toiletThe protagonist, Lorna, is an engineer hired to improve the toilet designs on a space station. And we all know, from a fairly early age, that toilet jokes never go out of fashion. If you don’t believe me, try reading one of Dave Pilkey’s Captain Underpants  books.

I don’t want to spoil the plot in Waste Management, but make sure you’re not eating chicken noodle soup while reading this tale. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for causing you to shoot a noodle out your nose! Believe me, it can happen. That’s why the phrase, “Is that a noodle?” makes my kids laugh every time.

Fun Fact

Back when I was submitting Waste Management  to magazine markets, I was also shopping around The Wind and the Sky.

neo-op five coverOriginally, I submitted Waste Management  to Neo-Opsis and The Wind and the Sky  to Challenging Destiny.

Both stories were rejected by their respective markets. Total sad-face, right?

But then, for the next round of submissions, I pulled a switcheroonie, sending The Wind and the Sky  to Neo-Opsis and Waste Management  to Challenging Destiny.

And both markets BOUGHT the respective stories.

The lesson to be learned here: sometimes a switcheroonie is a writers’ best friend.


Elements LJ sizeELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction  is available in Canada and the USA from EDGE Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing.

Everyone Actually Needs a Couch

Elements LJ sizeBelow, dear reader, please find bonus content for Suzanne’s book: ELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction.

This series of posts provides stories-behind-the-stories for each tale in ELEMENTS.

Sitting in the 8th slot in the Table of Contents is the first of the Couch Teleportation Universe  stories: “Everyone Needs a Couch”


My first-ever published story is: Everyone Needs a Couch.

Amazingly, I sold the story to the first market I submitted it to.

I sold Couch  on January 12th, 2002 to Oceans of the Mind, a Science Fiction magazine that no longer exists. It was published in 2003 for their September Mysteries issue.

So when people ask about my first sale, I respond, “It’s a Science Fiction comedy mystery.”

writing March 2002 miniThis is a picture of me writing/editing in the spring of 2002. It’s possible that I was actually working on Couch  that day. I love how there’s a bottle of Heinz Ketchup on the table, since back then every meal involved HK.

I love writing comedy. Probably because sarcasm is one of my favourite forms of communication. And Tanker’s life is the ultimate hard-luck-writer’s tale. Which leads me to the following insight…

When you begin your writing career, you often hear this advice:

Don’t write about a writer who’s trying (and probably failing) to sell their work.

Don’t write comedy because it’s really hard to get right.

Don’t begin a story with dialogue.

I break all three of these rules in Everyone Needs a Couch.

If you’re starting out, it is really important to understand and follow the rules of the trade. But you should also be brave enough to occasionally break the rules.

Read my writing tip post: Following the Rules.

Then read my writing tip post: Breaking the Rules.

Fun Fact

Beginning with my broke-student years (mid-to-late 80s) and ending with my young-messy-kids-at-home years (mid-to-late 90s), I used to have a hand-me-down couch in my living room. The couch had originally belonged to my grandparents.

Yeah, that’s right. My grandparents.

Chuck Lenora Chris on couch miniI think they might’ve bought the couch in the 1950s (1960s at the latest), and furniture manufacturers sure don’t build couches to last that long now. It was old and somewhat ratty (we used to cover it with a quilt to hide its ugliness), but virtually indestructible. Here’s a shot of of the couch, including my aunt, uncle, and cousin in the early 70s.

What made the couch so unique was that it was an old-fashioned two-piece sectional, designed to fit into a corner so that each half of the couch had an armrest on one side and nothing on the other side so it could sit right up against an end-table.

My grandparents used to have their entertainment unit (which consisted of a radio and a turntable that played 78s, 45s, and 33s) in the corner, and each open-ended piece of the couch was placed up against the unit.

E on couch July 2002 comboWhen the couch was in my possession, we used to push the two halves together. (Except for that one co-op term when my apartment was so small that I only had room for HALF the couch.) My kids–and the occasional unsuspecting guest–would sit too close to the middle and fall through the gap onto the floor! (as my younger son demonstrates with his head in 2002) The couch sat on hardwood floors and we had no way to fasten the two pieces together.

Suffice it to say, that old couch was the inspiration for Tank Lazier’s couch in Everyone Needs a Couch.

Because so many people wanted to hear the other side of Tanker’s sad story, the couch makes a second appearance along with protagonist Lorna Watkowski, Tanker’s ex-girlfriend, in Waste Management.


Elements LJ sizeELEMENTS: A Collection of Speculative Fiction  is available in Canada and the USA from EDGE Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing.